Saturday, November 26, 2005

if only..

“Truth is rarely pure and never simple” Oscar Wilde

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

carpe diem

express your shelf

i re-organized my bookshelf today and made another long wish-list of books. isn't our book shelf another expression of our sense of self and identity?

Saturday, November 19, 2005

crack-a-doodle-do, i love you

i went to a friend's baby shower today. the room was filled with my friends; newly-weds like myself and new moms. it had been a while since we'd all met, the last time was at my bridal shower. i still remember that fun, summer day; my friends trying to celebrate my last couple of weeks of 'single-dom'.

currently, i'm still gently treading into the bliss of marriage, a new 'phase' in my life. i'm trying to 'truly experience' the experience, blend myself into the process without losing the essence of me and i'm learning how to mix the new with the old, without losing my value for the old. it's not easy, but with every day and little more experience, it gets easier.

at every new phase of my life, i go through this whole new process of renewal, rejuvenation and settling in. along with girlfriends, we celebrate our new chapter in life with a party, a shower, a get-together; our way of saying "good for you girl - we'll always be there for you"

as i progress along the phase, i forget the baby steps i've taken at the beginning, infact i tend to forget the commencement of that phase totally, as it seems to blend it with something new. however, with this magical phase in my life, where i see the world with another set of eyes and i have another set of hands hold me and supporting me as i go through, i want to hold on to every breath, every touch, every wish, every moment, every tear and every smile.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

house, my home and i

i've been trying hard to make sense of the chaos in my life... my career, my academics, my emotional life and inevitably my financial's not been easy...everytime i think it's falling into place, something or someone, decides to give it a bit of an unwelcome shake...

it's a contradiction of feelings really... a and i have finally settled into our own place, made an apt a home, or something like it... over the last couple of months, the place has taken on our smell and our accents, it's been moulded by our moodiness and manic re-decorate sessions, anxious at first, we made it ours - it became us.

and now, we might have to move again. i'm not too sure why. i was given an optoin and we talked it over and i was excited, i still am. but deep down, a small part of my heart, is anxious yet again. and it makes me wonder why?

well i guess, i'll just have to spring clean my home a couple of months earlier and learn to take our smell, our accents and our moodiness where ever we go...

Monday, November 14, 2005

happiness headache

i suffer from's not a very pleasant experience..i try to describe it to those around me who try to understand why - why i shut the lights off, shy away from noise, switch my cell off, snuggle into bed and isolate myself from the world... once in a month i write off a day because of this...

i watched oprah winfrey's 20th anniversary show today.. i learn something every time i watch it, about interviewing, about life, about risks and about pushing the limits a little bit more every time around. today she shared her feelings about meeting her mentors and how at the end of it, her head pounded with 'happiness'.

other than migraines, i also suffer from headaches.. when i've had a crazy but fun weekend, spending time with friends and family and catching up on stuff i've wanted to do, occassionally, my head pounds..i've never understood why..i've done what i enjoyed and spent time with people i loved..

happiness headache? maybe.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring
your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of
your own sorrow

if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling
me is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another

to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

a vicious circle?

if life is about choices and fate, then whatever choices we make, must lead us to somewhat a similar fate...

or else, we're fated to make the choices we do (as my crazy friend said)

so then, is it that we make the choices and god just picks the time to make our choices happen so that they concur with our pre-destined fate?


a city in a globe
if i could put every moment, every wish, every whisper, every drop of rain, every tear, every smile, into my glass globe and take it with me wherever i go

chicago skyline ~ nov 5 05 ~ [n.z]

what if?

- i had chosen a different path in life

- i had picked another university

- i had not gone on exchange

- i had not gotten married

- i had coloured my hair blue

- i had gotten wet in the rain just before class

- i order groceries online

- i open the map, pick a place, pack my bags and just take another holiday

- i had a magic wand

- i could read everyone's mind

- i danced like no one was watching

they say what ifs are pondered over when you regret things in you life. i disagree... i think thinking about what could've, would've, should've, makes me, atleast, appreciate my choices and my life...and currently, i'm loving it.